Dear Alex,
Yesterday i was just miles away from you. I imagined you getting ready for the baby sitters, eating breakfast, maybe watching cartoons. I asked Daddy if I coudl sse eyou while Iw as down there, but he said no...
I could see your smile; your chubby cheeks looking back at me. I could see my eyes on your face, behind those glasses, looking back at me. I could hear your laughter, and hear you yelling "Mommy! Mommy!" as you ran up to me. But i knew i wouldnt see them in real life, just in my head.
I could feel you curled up on my lap while I gave you goose bumps, and laughing as i snuck in some tickles. I could feel you nuzzling up to my chest and smiling at me. Your so big now, but you will always fit perfectly right there.
Sometimes i think you know; there is a part of you that will always be inside my heart, and when you curl up on my lap, your connect to it. Its like there is a lost piece, that only you and I know about inside my heart, and when you lay against me, its complete.
I miss you so much. More then anyone will ever know.
I love you baby,
Always,
Mommy
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
July 10, 2010
Dear Alex,
I am beyond pissed right now. Like, more then a lot!
I was suposed to talk to you today, but it doesnt look like that is going to happen. Your daddy went to work, so, i have to wait another week to talk to you. IF I get to talk to you then.
It pisses me off that I am not allowed to have your home phone number, or your grandma's cell phone number. I really just want to talk to you.
So, I did the only thing I could do. I send your Aunt Regan a message on FaceBook and asked her to have you call me. I miss you, thats all there is too it.
Your daddy tries to make me out to be this uncaring mother. Its bull crap. I don't have a car, and I dont have my liscense. There isnt anything I can do about it. Not right now anyways.
If it were up to me I would have all the money in the world to come and see you every single day; but I dont. And I hate myself for that. But what else can I do?
I miss you so much sometimes it hurts from my stomach all the way to my head. My stomach achs, my heart achs, my throat achs, my head hurts. I just want to hold you in my arms.
I just wish I knew what your father has against me.... I hate that he keeps us apart. I really hate it...
I am beyond pissed right now. Like, more then a lot!
I was suposed to talk to you today, but it doesnt look like that is going to happen. Your daddy went to work, so, i have to wait another week to talk to you. IF I get to talk to you then.
It pisses me off that I am not allowed to have your home phone number, or your grandma's cell phone number. I really just want to talk to you.
So, I did the only thing I could do. I send your Aunt Regan a message on FaceBook and asked her to have you call me. I miss you, thats all there is too it.
Your daddy tries to make me out to be this uncaring mother. Its bull crap. I don't have a car, and I dont have my liscense. There isnt anything I can do about it. Not right now anyways.
If it were up to me I would have all the money in the world to come and see you every single day; but I dont. And I hate myself for that. But what else can I do?
I miss you so much sometimes it hurts from my stomach all the way to my head. My stomach achs, my heart achs, my throat achs, my head hurts. I just want to hold you in my arms.
I just wish I knew what your father has against me.... I hate that he keeps us apart. I really hate it...
Monday, June 28, 2010
June 28, 2010
YAY!!!
I got to talk to you lastnight!
It really sucks when I have to go a week between phone calls. Not much I can do anout it yet, but trust me, as soon as I can, I will!!!
I miss and love you so much!
We went o the Pride Festival Saturday! I remember when you went with me and your Dad. You were just over a month old! I wish you could go with us now that you are old enough to enjoy it!! Your sister loves the drag shows! And they had a bounce house by the kids tent this year!
I cant wait to talk to you next weekend.
Love always,
Mommy
I got to talk to you lastnight!
It really sucks when I have to go a week between phone calls. Not much I can do anout it yet, but trust me, as soon as I can, I will!!!
I miss and love you so much!
We went o the Pride Festival Saturday! I remember when you went with me and your Dad. You were just over a month old! I wish you could go with us now that you are old enough to enjoy it!! Your sister loves the drag shows! And they had a bounce house by the kids tent this year!
I cant wait to talk to you next weekend.
Love always,
Mommy
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
June 22, 2010
Dear Alex,
It seems like every time I call Daddy doesnt answer, or when he does he tells me you are busy or not home. I really miss talking to you.
Today is Tuesday, Daddy said he was off on Tuesday, I guess he must be back working Monday - Friday; there was no answer.
Sometimes I wonder what goes through your mind about me. Do you know I call you so often? Does daddy tell you I leave you messages on his voice mail? Do you ever get the cards or letters I send? I hope one day you know how much I have missed you, and how much I long to have a relationship with you.
Right now Daddy has his control, and there is really nothing I can do about it. Pawpaw is helping him with lawyers, and your Mamaw obviously takes Daddy's side. The sad thing is, they have lied about so much, I don't even think they know what the truth is.
I want so bad to hold you in my arms, and sing the moon song, or give you goosebumps. I just dont think its going to happen any time soon.
I have to be down there for court on July 21st - I know Daddy wont let me see you that day, but I hope something happens, and I can see you.
I miss you so much baby. I hope your summer vacation is going well.
Love always,
Mommy
It seems like every time I call Daddy doesnt answer, or when he does he tells me you are busy or not home. I really miss talking to you.
Today is Tuesday, Daddy said he was off on Tuesday, I guess he must be back working Monday - Friday; there was no answer.
Sometimes I wonder what goes through your mind about me. Do you know I call you so often? Does daddy tell you I leave you messages on his voice mail? Do you ever get the cards or letters I send? I hope one day you know how much I have missed you, and how much I long to have a relationship with you.
Right now Daddy has his control, and there is really nothing I can do about it. Pawpaw is helping him with lawyers, and your Mamaw obviously takes Daddy's side. The sad thing is, they have lied about so much, I don't even think they know what the truth is.
I want so bad to hold you in my arms, and sing the moon song, or give you goosebumps. I just dont think its going to happen any time soon.
I have to be down there for court on July 21st - I know Daddy wont let me see you that day, but I hope something happens, and I can see you.
I miss you so much baby. I hope your summer vacation is going well.
Love always,
Mommy
Sunday, June 6, 2010
June 6, 2010
Dear Alex,
I really miss you today.
We are getting ready for the Zoo tomorrow, and I really wish you could be there.
I called you today, but Daddy said you were playing with the kids next door, I hope you were having fun :o)
I thought about a lot today; Sometimes Kathleen's family calls her to talk, and she just doesnt want to talk on the phone, but other times they are all she talks about. I bet your like that with me :o) At leat, I hope you are. I miss you every day, but sometimes, i just cant fight with Daddy. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be Healthy, and I know you are both. So, when ever I can be a part of that, I will be.
I love you more then you will ever know. I think about you every day, and miss you more and more every day.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never see you again. But, we live 3 hours away from eachother, and I know that the visits cant happen as much as I want them too because I dont drive.
Well baby, I hope your laying in bed sleeping with sweet dreams. It kills me to think of you in that tiny room... But I know one day you will have a great big one that is filled with a big bed and tons of toys!!!
I love you baby!
-Mommy
I really miss you today.
We are getting ready for the Zoo tomorrow, and I really wish you could be there.
I called you today, but Daddy said you were playing with the kids next door, I hope you were having fun :o)
I thought about a lot today; Sometimes Kathleen's family calls her to talk, and she just doesnt want to talk on the phone, but other times they are all she talks about. I bet your like that with me :o) At leat, I hope you are. I miss you every day, but sometimes, i just cant fight with Daddy. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be Healthy, and I know you are both. So, when ever I can be a part of that, I will be.
I love you more then you will ever know. I think about you every day, and miss you more and more every day.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never see you again. But, we live 3 hours away from eachother, and I know that the visits cant happen as much as I want them too because I dont drive.
Well baby, I hope your laying in bed sleeping with sweet dreams. It kills me to think of you in that tiny room... But I know one day you will have a great big one that is filled with a big bed and tons of toys!!!
I love you baby!
-Mommy
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
May 19, 2010
so i decided to start a new blog only because its easier to keep them all associated with the same log in and such...
anyways, i tried calling a few times last week, it always went straight to voice mail, i called this weekend and left a message, no call back, I called this morning, again, right to voice mail... 3 minutes till his school bus came, he called me back.
We talked quickly, and couldn't really say much, i wanted to tell him how much I missed him, how much i couldn't wait to come back and see him again, but there wasn't even time. I asked him how school was yesterday, and how t-ball was Friday. I asked him if he got any new wrestlers, he told me "yea, undertaker" for a second he got excited "Guess what Undertaker it is!! The Wrestle mania one!" then i heard "Its time to go."... then from Alex "Well, i gotta go now..." in such a sad voice
I told him i would call him tomorrow, and i loved him, all I got back was an "OK". I said, "I love you baby.." and again, i got a sad "OK".
He does this every time...
I find a way to come see Alex, and Alex gets so excited... he jumps up and runs to me, and hugs me tight, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!!!" he misses me... and I miss him. when i get to talk to him for days straight, he gets excited, you can tell he looks forward to it... he tells me everything, about his wrestlers, school, t-ball...
but that's when Nate stops it... he wont answer the phone calls, he will keep his phone off, he wont return calls... And then Alex withdrawals... he doesn't feel like telling me happy things anymore, or sharing all those things with me... and that kills me...
anyways... I guess all I can do it keep track of the phone calls and visits here...
Mom said we could go back down, and Nate told my mom he would bring Alex up to see my family up here... lets see if it really happens...
When we were down there, Nate told my mom that he thinks us coming down really messes with Alex mind... she told me, that she told him, she doesn't think it does at all.... and neither do I. If you saw how happy Alex was when i walked in that door.... I cant really even explain it..
anyways, i tried calling a few times last week, it always went straight to voice mail, i called this weekend and left a message, no call back, I called this morning, again, right to voice mail... 3 minutes till his school bus came, he called me back.
We talked quickly, and couldn't really say much, i wanted to tell him how much I missed him, how much i couldn't wait to come back and see him again, but there wasn't even time. I asked him how school was yesterday, and how t-ball was Friday. I asked him if he got any new wrestlers, he told me "yea, undertaker" for a second he got excited "Guess what Undertaker it is!! The Wrestle mania one!" then i heard "Its time to go."... then from Alex "Well, i gotta go now..." in such a sad voice
I told him i would call him tomorrow, and i loved him, all I got back was an "OK". I said, "I love you baby.." and again, i got a sad "OK".
He does this every time...
I find a way to come see Alex, and Alex gets so excited... he jumps up and runs to me, and hugs me tight, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!!!" he misses me... and I miss him. when i get to talk to him for days straight, he gets excited, you can tell he looks forward to it... he tells me everything, about his wrestlers, school, t-ball...
but that's when Nate stops it... he wont answer the phone calls, he will keep his phone off, he wont return calls... And then Alex withdrawals... he doesn't feel like telling me happy things anymore, or sharing all those things with me... and that kills me...
anyways... I guess all I can do it keep track of the phone calls and visits here...
Mom said we could go back down, and Nate told my mom he would bring Alex up to see my family up here... lets see if it really happens...
When we were down there, Nate told my mom that he thinks us coming down really messes with Alex mind... she told me, that she told him, she doesn't think it does at all.... and neither do I. If you saw how happy Alex was when i walked in that door.... I cant really even explain it..
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